PCOS & TTC

pcos51I first received the diagnosis of PCOS about 7 years ago. I had always known that my cycle wasn’t “normal” but didn’t understand WHY it wasn’t normal. I just thought it was hereditary. My mother had to have a hysterectomy in her late 20’s (after me, her 3rd child) from complications related to her own reproductive issues. My grandmother had 6 miscarriages while trying to conceive a girl (she successfully birthed my father and uncle) but was unable to carry to term again. I also have an Aunt and Cousin who struggled with infertility, so I just assumed that I too would face reproductive problems as they seemed to run in my family.

 

However, I must admit the news still stung. I already knew prior to the diagnosis that I had one known factor that would considerably dampen my fertility goals. I had an ectopic pregnancy years before and had to have one of my fallopian tubes removed. The news that I had PCOS was yet another barrier to getting pregnant. I was newly married and excited to get started TTC and was devastated to hear this new diagnosis that would further complicate my fertility journey.

I had never heard of PCOS and was completely overwhelmed by the entire process of learning all about it. I spent a few years in the denial phase and thought feeling sorry for myself and asking WHY ME more than a few THOUSAND TIMES would actually change something. I figured if I just cried/whined/begged/prayed a little harder God would take pity on me and bless me with a baby. You see, both my husband and I had a child from previous relationships and I desperately wanted a child with my husband. We did seek out our 1st fertility doctor during this time and she was AMAZING! She specialized in PCOS and gave lots of good information. She had a great supportive spirit about her and I was completely confident we were going to have total success using her.

Unfortunately, the pressure to relocate back to my hometown of Atlanta was mounting and it just didn’t seem like the “right time” to pursue the whole IVF thing at the time. My husband and I were not on one accord on how to pursue family planning. He was satisfied with holding off on family planning until we were settled in our new state, and that just made me feel as if he didn’t share my desire to have more children. I could see his logic and argument, but I was in full blown baby mode and just wanted to start sooner rather than later. I wasn’t sure how long it would take to get pregnant so I wanted to get started immediately. Since we couldn’t agree we put it off for a few years until we got relocated and settled in Atlanta.

We used these years to beautifully blend our newly formed blended family. Our kids were only children before and now they had to learn to operate with a “sibling” structure. “Sharing is Caring” took much longer to implement than either of us ever expected. There was also the co-parenting factor that needed to be navigated with care. We worked tirelessly to ensure that both kids got the love, nurturing, and support they needed to adjust to the new lifestyle. We took parenting classes, marriage classes, going a small group and also took individual group studies at church. We also continued working with our pre-martial counselor long into our marriage so we could have the right tools to handle to unique challenges that comes along with our family structure. Marriage is hard even without the added factors we were dealing with so all the extra help was necessary to make sure our marriage and family stayed on solid foundation. All the hard work and dedication seemed to work because we were in a great space as a couple and a family. Even total strangers would comment on our family and told us often how joyful our kids were and how we looked like a happy family. That was so exciting to hear.

Since arriving here in Metro Atlanta, we have been in quite a transition as a family. We went through a brief job loss, AND a yearlong custody battle over one our children. This created a “rough patch” in our marriage filled with hurt, anger and unmet expectations on both sides. To say our relocation back home has been stressful would be the understatement of the year. Our children began to pick up on the tension also became resentful to one another. We had allowed this move to disturb our family dynamic and disrupt the solid foundation we had worked so hard to create. To be honest we needed that initial time at the beginning of our relocation to gel and mesh again as a blended family. I think a baby would have just created more stress both financially (with fertility costs) and as a family. I can say that now looking back I don’t think it would have been wise to be pregnant and have a baby during that time anyway, but I assure you that I was not as insightful while going through it.
We’ve been here 2.5 years now and we are now back in great groove. We have been gainfully employed (thankfully), a year post custody battle, and have purchased our 1st home. During this time we have learned a lot about ourselves and learned our fair share of life lessons along the way. It has strengthened our marriage, bonded our blended family, and ignited a greater desire in me to “do my part” in making my motherhood dreams come true. I have finally moved to the acceptance phase of the diagnosis and I’m now ready to do whatever is necessary to achieve my goal of becoming a mother again.

Even though we weren’t actively seeing a fertility doctor over the last seven years, we were still trying to conceive the old fashion way with no success. We are now on our 3rd fertility doctor. We began seeing a new highly rated, well respected doctor here in Atlanta when we first arrived but I just didn’t have good experiences with him. He left me feeling like more of a failure and his bedside manner left much to be desired. Add this uncomfortable feeling with the family stress of the transition and we decided to take another break for a while (about 2 years) before seeking a new Dr. recommended by a co-worker who had IVF success with him.

I’ve joined Weight Watchers and have begun taking my health seriously. All 3 fertility doctors have asked me to lose a significant amount of weight. I am plus sized and have been since having my son. It has been a point of pain for me as I’d always been fit/athletic. I gained quite a bit of my weight during my pregnancy with my son and couldn’t seem to lose it no matter what I did. Then over the years, I would add 5 or so more pounds each year. After 13 years, I’m now 50 lbs heavier than I was the day I gave birth to my son. You tack on the more than 65 lbs I gained during the pregnancy and if your good at math, you guessed it, I’m now over 115 lbs heavier than I was. The road that lies before me is LONG but an absolute MUST if I want to become a mother again. And if I’m honest, I need to lose this weight even if I never do get the privilege of becoming a mother again. This weight is just not healthy for ANYONE let alone someone dreaming of becoming a new mother.

So here’s to the last “DAY ONE” I shall ever experience! Because this time, I believe it is a MUST for me to succeed. All my dreams and the dreams of my husband are riding on me becoming successful at this goal of losing weight.

pcos51

Toe Dipping

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I’m in the beginning stages of learning to treat my Temple as the sacred vessel it is.  Embarking on this beautiful new journey of Loving my God, myself, and those around me.  Valuing self-Care, and the care of those I hold dear.

I’ve come to this point in my life as many others do, through pain, as well as trials and tribulations.  I have long allowed my self to end up at the bottom of the list, ANY LIST.  Didn’t matter what list I was making, I didn’t value myself enough to prioritize me.  This has left me wanting.  Wanting a more healthy lifestyle, wanting more confidence, wanting to have a baby and wanting to feel less insecure.

I created this blog as s creative outlet.  A way for me to speak my truth and allow that truth to resonate with others.  It’s a way for me to find commonalities with others that also are having trials in this area.  I hope to connect in ways that I find difficult in my own circle of influence.